Beeline or a Loophole?

“COMPLAIN”, they say all I do is complain, and sometimes when I think about it, I can't help but accept how true they are. So, if anyone passes through these obnoxious phrases of mine which may somehow lead to discomfort, here's a warning. I've tried my best to gather all the complaints, here. Believe me, save your time, just turn it down, and inhale productivity.

Else, I shall start.
With all due respect, I happen to be a very busy person. Busy might seem sarcastic when it's coming from a person like me. But anyway, I was busy, and I am busy with something that doesn’t quite signify the utilization of time on valuable out-turns. Neither did I had any time to stay at home nor to focus on my ambitions, and do something productive. But when the night took over, I had plenty of time on my bed, letting my thoughts graze on my head while desperately waiting for my long-lost friends; peace, and sleep.

According to everyone, home is comfort. Home is where your hopes are. Home is the place you seek to be in after an exhausting day. A home is a secure place where you can be yourself. But, for me, except for my parent's presence, home never felt like home. So, most of the time, I never had the urge to stay at home. I sometimes wonder if it is because I am afraid of being alone or being surrounded and dominated by my thoughts. All this time, I was unaware of my feelings, unknown about the solutions. And, I never even chased after all these queries.

I was encountered with the same old busy schedules again but this time it was the fancy events called “EXAMS”. I had plenty of time and space to think about almost everything. I wanted to ignore and skip them like I usually did. Whatsoever, how far can one run away from something that s/he had been tying up with? Pressure and strain created internally are much destructive than any of those slow poison. I felt that. All those thoughts, warnings, and regrets which were leftover and had been on the stack all this time got the perfect opportunity to march on me.
Sometimes, do you feel as if you are far from the fire but it still catches you and burns you down? Makes sense, right?
Hello there, still tagging along?
So, the limited place and that very environment made me think a whole bunch of things. Some thoughts kept fluctuating, some stayed and kept piercing. Resulting insomnia. I couldn’t sleep, I tried closing my eyes, calm my mind, imagining beautiful places where I’d wish to be one day. But failed brutally every time. After a whole lot of web scraping, I came to know sleep demands peace. Moreover, sleeping was the easiest and hardest phenomenon that varies with people. Somewhere, somehow maybe my peace was violated long ago. I felt that midnight silence, those 3 am lazy aura, and also bright sunlight passing through my windows at
crisp 5 am morning. I felt everything. It felt as if sleep was never part of my life and as if I forgot the mechanism of sleep. Well, let us not forget, I had to prepare for exams. After sleepless nights, I sat down on my chair and tried to remain calm, and focus on my syllabus. But at that point calmness and concentration felt like a fairy tale. The phrases, the words, and courses did not compile in my brain. I tried watching videos but nothing changed. The consequences of those sleepless nights were dreadful. If I had to explain it any further it could be like this, it compelled me to percept the dark side of everything.

People always say the choice is always ours; we have choices of our own that helps to control everything happening in our life but they are wrong. It made me think of whole new scenarios where someone else could play a better version of me if they had my life. They could have utilized my time perfectly, cherished every relationship being a better son, brother, friend, and whatsoever. It made me feel as if my existence was a problem to everyone. Let’s not forget I still had exams to prepare for. Of course, I did try telling my friends, families what I had been through. But, it felt like everyone was hearing but none was listening. Everyone had certain problems in their life, not everyone brags rather they sort them out. But I was not able to overcome them so easily. Precisely I may sound like a depressed naïve boy who was weak for his problems and complains instead. But my mind was yelling for help everywhere, every time. I’ll swallow my pride and confess; I had this very very tough time. I had imagined every little scenario that could happen in my life, and at any instance, if it did happen, I would not be surprised.
However, time passed and my exams were completed. As a tradition, I ran away from home to escape those feelings. Those times were peaceful for me. Moreover, some rational thoughts popped out of my mind; People were not granted things equally, the only thing granted equally to all was an unfair reality. Life was never beautiful for everyone but people you love and moments in them could make it better. People are peculiar creatures; they are magnetized by a smile. Physical actions do change the state of mind. A smile can make the mind stable, maybe? So, if you find someone going through something troublesome, smile at them. I will never find all the answers to my questions and will not force either. But if you ask me “How does it feel to heal from the scars that you did not know exist?” I will write you a book. I am still searching for certain things in life; crisp feelings in my eyes, calmness in my heart, comfort in the chaos, the urge to never question my own belief and existence, and my long-lost friend; a relaxing bedtime sleep. I did make a mistake scheduling my time to think and imagine during my bedtime. So, now I feel as if my sleep and bed are taking revenge for putting so much pressure on them.
However, when my future self will look through this, I will experience this again but with affection, not disgust and embarrassment. People tend to fall back to the same place where their expectations keep
hurting. Expectation may be limited but hope, hope never dies. So, as a human, I will go back to my bed with the same hope that today might be the day that I will sleep better than yesterday.

Dear sleep, I know you will not break my hope, will you?

Goodnight!