A Letter to her mother

 “Pandemic was at its peak, and of course, I was quarantined with my daily schedule as well.”
Back then, on crisp early mornings, Scooter on the stand, getting ready for college, it must have been tough for you as a high school teacher.

Observing everything from the sidelines had always been a bizarre pattern of mine. That little glimpse of your house acted as a tranquilizer to this life, and it filled the void that your daughter had left. However, me, startled by all the sensations, displace faintly amused gaze from all these scenarios and return to reality. Reality is much scarier. I do not want to remind you about all these obnoxious facts, but it is still hard for me to accept that she is no more.

On the very day, I felt shattered and devastated by the news, and my heart was not capable of building enough courage to show up in front of everyone, to see her for the one last time, to bid that final goodbye, and to face the truth itself. Maybe my presence made her mitigate and kept you equivocal. She was my addiction. Well, not precisely an "addiction" because people often portray it as a negative feeling. She was my meditation or introspection. Isn't it obvious she was yours too? I had no idea about how to defeat that wretched feeling. I assume I am not weak but somewhere, I cannot deny the fact that your daughter was my weakness. It is difficult when someone helps you to create good memories in life and later becomes one. It felt as if my reasons to live were suddenly in the verse of extinction. Of course, anxiety was the first thing to knock on my door. Every day, I looked in the mirror and saw someone I did not even recognize anymore. I was lost, more than I ever was. But I had to do something and come out of this misery stronger. I started searching for reasons to carry on, and the very first thing that struck my mind was your presence. I felt dumb. We both had been sharing the same weight in us, and yet your part seemed heavier.

Living in a world full of comparisons where people nowadays are good at making suffering a competition, I have seen people claiming superiority with “My suffering is far greater/worse than yours”. The point here is not about the suffering but the recovery and overcoming it. People lose their precious ones but, how does it feel to lose your child, your blood, your descendant, and a hope? I've been observing you quite a lot lately, and I see you smiling at people, trying your best to live despite everything. I’ve seen most of your forms for this outside world but, who are you when no one is watching? Does your pain escape and take control of your body? Carrying such pain along with you, and role-playing of being someone else must be very tough. I just wanted to see or at least know how strong a mother can become. Your strong persona and the way you are handling the world and people around you makes me galvanized. I kept believing that I could only achieve happiness by abandoning reality. The fictional world kept me satisfied but, always reserved me in shadows. However, you might also have to inspect many motivations in life, and I am sure it takes a lot, a lot more than it seems. But I want you to know that you are a symbol of motivation to someone like me. Your presence was and still is good luck and inspiring as 4 clover leaves to this barren land of life.

Beneath these shadows, there is a person without your concern, without your awareness who is eagerly waiting to come out and become a part of your life and your family.  We usually forget things when we do not have anyone to tell. So, for you, I can be someone who can remain as a good reminder and a good memory. I want to be remembered as a token of happiness because when you are old and can not recognize faces, I will meet you again for the first time to share the same joy, again and again.

Writing this took a lot of courage, and I am glad I did.
Gratefulness pours heavily from me that your presence and just the thought of you have helped me shape into a strong man I am today, and I can only hope I can do the same for you.